tips for taming the 2-year-old

It is no big secret that the age of 2 is tough (although, not as tough as age 4, in my opinion, but that is for another day).   Parents throughout time have consistently gotten the sympathetic head tilt accompanying a sighed, "Ah...the terrible twos," once the parent has disclosed their tantrumming child's age.   Here are some tips for surviving the earth rattling age.

First, understanding what is going on, developmentally, with a 2-year-old often helps parents better cope on days when they are on the verge of pulling the last hair on their heads out.    Most children this age have just figured out that language is the key to success.  They have discovered the magic of asking for something and getting smiles, cheers and the item.  However, they are also having to learn that just because they asked for it, does not mean they will always get that item.  This is tough for their little egocentric minds to comprehend.  To them, they are the world.  Not because anything is wrong with them, but for the fact that they have not yet developed that deeper skill of understanding they are not the sole reason their parents, or every other human for that fact, live and breathe.

Two-year-olds have also just mastered the ever so exhilarating skill of mobility.  Walking, running, jumping, using the stairs, climbing...all very exciting for an organism who, just a little over a year ago, could barely get from point A to point B before completely exhausting every ounce of energy they had.  As with the language, it is tough for them to understand why they cannot use this amazing skill whenever, wherever they very well please.  In their minds, when we, as caregivers, prevent them from running in the street or jumping off the 6-foot tall table, we are keeping them from their potential.

With those two main points in mind, is it any wonder that these little balls of unbridled energy have so many tantrums?!  The poor things are in a world of excitement with a the very basic understanding of why they should not do something or why they cannot have what they want at the very moment they want it.  Not to mention, they are just barely learning how to regulate their emotions.  Basically, take a woman who has just had a baby, add a truckload of estrogen, and she will be able to experience similar emotions to a 2-year-old.  It's tough.

That said, parents: don't let these little love bombs walk all over you.  You need to help them learn how to regulate those emotions, learn delayed gratification and develop the skill of recognizing they are not the center of the universe.

Tips for helping you and your child survive the joy of being two:

• Make time for one-on-one time.  Sometimes, the outbursts are cries for attention; quality attention.  Meaning, take a step back and just cuddle on the couch with some books or go for a walk; no TV, no phones.  Just time with you.

• Recognize them for being good more than for being naughty.  Easier said than done, I know.  Well, at least in the beginning.  Make a conscious effort to give them lots of attention, love, praise, excitement when they are listening, or took "no" calmly or touched the baby gently.  The more attention they get for being good, the more likely they are to do those behaviors over the ones we are not that crazy about.

• Use visual schedules for transitions they are struggling with.  If your little one is using every trick under the sun to get out of bed "One last time" at bedtime, or getting ready to leave the house takes longer than dripping molasses, a schedule just may be your new best friend.  Have the steps with pictures to completing that transition then let them cross each step off as they complete it.  Sometimes, letting them feel that independence and knowing what is expected next with a reminder other than the rising annoyance in mom or dad's repeated directions, is just what their little brains need to make those transitions a little smoother.  

An example:

• Give choices!  The trick with choices is that you are basically giving them a choice between option A or option A with a twist.  For example, "You can choose to pick up your toys or I can help your hands pick up your toys."  Or, "You can come here or I can help you come by picking you up."  Chances are, they will choose the less intrusive choice since they are relishing their independence and all.  Basically, by giving choices, you are giving them a sense of control while still getting them to do what you need them to do.  Do not forget the praise for making a good choice! One thing on choices, make sure your second choice is something you are willing to follow through with.  Otherwise, it is pointless.

• Say "Yes."  Take a moment and imagine a day where every 10 minutes you were being told you cannot do something or to stop doing something you find really intriguing.  Frustrating, right?!  Toddlers are no different.  It gets old hearing "No" or "Don't do that," over and over, all day long, just as it gets old for us to have to say it over and over, all day long.  Visit places where they can just explore and do whatever or create a space in your home where they can go nuts.   Going along with this, it helps TREMENDOUSLY if instead of just telling them "No" or "Stop," you let them know what they CAN do.  Maybe it's not kosher to pull sister's hair, but they can brush her hair or rub her back or tickle her.   Perhaps dumping their water on the floor is not appropriate for inside, but they can take their water outside and dump it as many times as they like.  Decrease the negatives and increase the power of yes!

• Take a break.  It is okay to feel burnt out, at wits end, just plain over it.  As those spy movies always say, "Everyone has a breaking point."  So that you do not get to yours, make sure you give yourself time away.  You are not a bad parent if you need a break.  If anything, you are an amazing parent for recognizing you need a break and preventing the explosion of yelling that often comes when a parent just cannot take it anymore.  

 Relish the beauty of this age.  It can be tough to see the joy amidst the tornado of emotions your 2-year-old is emitting.   Helping them identify those emotions can also help develop those self-regulation skills.  I promise that if you take a step back and notice the wonderful developments your child is making and allowing yourself to be amazed at how much they can do and are learning, it will make everything worth it.  Soak up the good, breathe out the frustration, ask for help when you need it.  Enjoy the beauty of imperfect parenting.

crash course parenting: mommy image

This topic has been on my mind.  A lot.  I never knew how bad the ideal "Mommy Image" was, until I had a babes of my own.  And it has been tough.   Now, when I say "Mommy Image,"  I mean more than just the absurd expectations society has for mom's body during and after pregnancy.  To me, this also includes how women interact with their children, what amazing things they do each and every day to prove they are totally awesome moms as well as how well they keep the house in order.   My crash course parenting lesson with Mommy Image is that it is a load of crap what society, Pinterest and other mom's expect of moms.  Going back to what I mentioned in the Milestones post, why does this have to be a competition?

Body image
It breaks my heart when I talk to a friend, acquaintance or stranger (well, I more overhear them...or silently fume when I see a celebrity getting harassed for gaining so much weight while pregnant in a gossip magazine) and they are stressing so much about staying super slim while pregnant and then almost obsessing over getting back to pre-pregnancy size the minute the baby is out.  Ladies.  This needs to stop.  We need to gain weight for our babies and keep some of that storage to nurture them once they are out.  The body changes with pregnancy.  It is supposed to!  Throw the idea that we have to stay skinny the whole time and then have a flat stomach within 3 months of having the kid.  Society is smoking something that makes them dumb for putting this expectation on people.   Don't get me wrong, it is important to stay fit, but there is a difference between staying fit and obsessing over perfection, whatever that really is.  Embrace the new body that created a life, sustains life and accomplished one of the most mind blowing feats man has ever witnessed.

My good friend who is a dietician wrote a great post about weight gain during pregnancy.  You can find it here:

Pregorexia, Paige Smathers

Super Mom
Oye vey.  I stressed so much about interacting with Spud every minute of every day and felt major guilt if I did not.  I felt I was less of a mother because I did not have these amazing activities planned for everyday.  Let's face it, some days the fact that everyone is alive, fed and relatively happy throughout the day is success enough.  I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest for this reason.  I get super annoyed now whenever I see Pins about these awesome activities or "Potty train your child in 3 days," or "Get your baby to sleep through the night by 12 weeks."  People, these are not good.  First, every child is different.  Every mom is different.  Every situation is different.  I had to learn to let go of trying to be a mom I was not and realize that Luke needs me to be the mom he needs, not the mom I felt the world was pressuring me to be.

Super Mom 2
Going along with having everyday planned to the T with educational activities that create the perfect child, I felt pressure to have my house in perfect order with perfectly planned meals throughout the day.  Again, there are some days where I feel accomplished if we are all alive and well at the end of the day.  Before I came to peace with the fact that it is okay for the house to be dusty or have a sink full of dishes,  or have mismatched curtains because I just flat ran out of steam to make the other two, I felt conflicted.  Conflicted because I was supposed to be this super involved mom while having the house spick 'n span WHILE making amazing meals 5 times a day....See the conflict?  It took an internal implosion of exhaustion for me to finally let go of this one.  A clean house is important to me, but I am okay with a little clutter now because that means that I kept my sanity, Luke got some mom time on the floor, surrounded by books or even just throwing blankets on his head....life is a lot more peaceful now.

This is entertainment most days this summer...

My biggest tip for moms, be the mom you and your family need, not what the the world says you should be.  Society has unattainable expectations which leads to us moms feeling unfit, ugly, lazy or like we are failing.  I promise.  We are not.  I try each day to start with a prayer, asking God to help me be the mom Luke needs me to be and that is what I go with throughout the day.  

black eye

How many can relate to being embarrassed to go out in public because your toddler has some sort of injury from their wobbling bodies misleading them?

Spud sported this beaut for 9 days, including a trip to visit relatives in another state...poor guy. Poor me!  Oh the looks from those who have never had children, or who have but chose to let them live in a very protective bubble.   Oh well.  You live. You learn and sometimes you get hurt while trying to figure out how to maneuver your limbs.

guest post: tips for parents with picky eaters

My dear friend, Paige Smathers, is a Registered Dietician.  This means that she has gotten her degree and licensing in all things diet, eating, food, eating disorders, etc. (for a more detailed description of what an RD is, visit this post).   I love her approach because it involves a behavior change in tandum with eating, which, the two really should go hand in hand.  

Here is a post from her about tips for picky eaters, which, let's face it, we all have momentary freak outs when our children look at us as they blantantly refuse the food we have excitedly prepared for them.  These tips are easy, make total sense and have science to back them up.  

Tips for Parents with Picky Eaters

Paige Smathers, RD, CD

I was shopping in Costco the other day and the Vitamix man was in the middle of whipping up a green smoothie, giving his whole pitch for paying $700 for a blender. I, along with about 20 other eager weekday shoppers, waited patiently through his speech to get a taste. As my almost two-year-old daughter and I walked away from the display table headed for the cereal aisle, each with a green drink in hand, a distraught mother caught my eye and asked, "What do you make with your Vitamix?" I told her I actually don't have one (yet!, someday!) and she then said, "You know, I bought one a year or so ago to try to get him (pointing to her 5 year old son in her cart) to eat more things."

I wasn't sure what to say. In my personal life, there are all too many situations I find myself in where I want more than anything to let the dietitian inside me come out and save the world! I paused, contemplating if I should strike up a conversation with her about her son's pickiness to see if there were any recommendations I could make to help her out. I decided to go for it.

After I introduced myself to her as a registered dietitian with experience with toddler and childhood pickiness, she ended up explaining to me all about her son who pretty much refuses to eat all food except chocolate milk. He will eat sweets and occasionally things off of her plate, but demands chocolate milk 9 times out of 10. She relayed the very common sentiment of well-intentioned parents, saying, "Well, at least it's SOME form of nourishment!" I watched her try to coax her 5-year-old into tasting the green smoothie to no avail. The poor kid had classic signs of malnutrition--he was small and weak and was falling asleep in the middle of the day in the grocery shopping cart with giant dark circles under his eyes. I made eye contact with that sweet little boy and his eyes were so sad. I felt sad for him and very sad for his parents too.

After asking her a few more questions, I talked with her for a few minutes, offering advice for breaking through this power struggle over food. It's tough because there's only so much I can do in the middle of Costco talking to a complete stranger, but I tried to help. 

If you are in a similar situation with your child, here are a few tips. Keep in mind, your child will adjust, especially if you remain consistent and firm. I am mostly speaking to parents of toddlers and preschoolers. 

1. Keep caloric drinks to meal and snack time only. This means juice, milk, chocolate milk, or any other fluid besides water. Offer only water in between meals and snacks. Young kids have tiny tummies and they can feel falsely full if they have been drinking lots juice or milk. The big problem that comes when kids fill up on milk or juice in between meals or snacks is that they can be so full from those fluids that they refuse to eat actual foods and thus may miss out on key nutrients in their diet. 

2. Understand your responsbilities as the parent and their responsibilities as the child in the feeding relationship. Ellyn Satter, a well-known dietitian and researcher in the field of infant and childhood nutrition, has a very important and impactful theory regarding the parent/child food relationship. She calls it the division of responsibility. In the feeding relationship, the parent is in charge of what the child is offered to eat and when. The child is responsible to choose if they eat and how much. The parent plans, prepares, and serves the food to the child at planned times and that's where the parent's responsibility ends. It is not necessary nor helpful for the parent to hover over the child's plate, ensuring adequate servings of each food group are eaten. Instead, the parent sits down with the child, ideally eating the same food as her, and carries on with conversation and everyday life, not focusing on how much food is being eaten, how messy the child is eating, or anything else about the food. Basically, offer the food and then allow the child to explore, taste and enjoy, recognizing that it is in his/her rights to refuse to eat at all.

3. Have planned meal and snack times throughout the day. This will be what can keep you going when step number 2 shown above gets very difficult with a child who refuses to eat. Offer 3 meals per day (breakfast in the morning, lunch at midday, and dinner in the evening) with a snack in between meals and possibly another snack before bed if needed. If your child refuses breakfast, you can rest easy knowing that the next snack time is only two or so hours away. If your child is begging you for food in the afternoon as you are getting things together for dinner, you can remind your child that snack time is only a half hour from now! If your child refuses the dinner that you have offered and served, you can relax knowing that you will be able to serve them a snack before bed so that they will not go hungry.

4. Recognize that it is developmentally appropriate and normal for your child to eat ravenously one day and pick at her food the next. Just knowing this fact can help parents relax when it comes to how much their child is eating. All too commonly, a parent notices her child is hardly eating anything and then panics, wondering if SOMETHING is better than nothing. That's when the go-to foods come out because you know without a doubt that your child will eat that food. Don't get caught up in this cycle! Knowing these days of feasting and fasting are normal for young ones, and don't let it stress you out!

4. Do NOT make separate meals for your child. It's very tempting to get into the habit of offering separate meals for your child. Maybe you assume they would never eat the feta cheese you are eating with your salad, or maybe it's because you've gotten into the habit of feeding your child something quick and easy and then eating later yourself. Start offering foods from your own dinner table (or breakfast, or lunch table) when you start introducing solids in infancy. You should always offer at least one food item at a meal that you know your child will eat. For example, let's say you are planning on making a chicken ceasar salad for dinner and your child is 18 months old with only 8 teeth and no molars. Salad is tough with no teeth!  Be sure to offer something on the table that he or she will like. Maybe it's a roll. Cut up the chicken, offer the roll, have a fruit option, and even offer some of the vegetables in the salad. You can even put a small amount of the dressing on the child's plate to allow them to experiment with dipping. 

5. Don't make food a battle. It can take up to 17 times of being exposed to a food for a child to decide they will eat it. Be patient, and continue offering the foods even when times get tough!

6. Most important tip: Set the example of healthy eating yourself and eat with your child. Sit down and eat meals and snacks with your child. He or she wants so much to be like dad and mom and wants to be grown up. Show your child that you enjoy variety in your eating and that you like to be healthy! Say it with your actions, more so than with your words, and they will listen.

These tips are intended to get you started. As always, there are unique situations that may require different approaches and may require the help of a registered dietitian! If you feel you need help with your child and/or family's picky eating, check out my nutrition consultation services here.

If you enjoyed Paige's post and would like to read more or even get in contact her, visit her webiste at:

http://www.paigesmathersrd.com/

Good luck with those picky eaters, hang in there and, as always, find the beauty in imperfect parenting! 

potty training {part three: parent directed approach}

Disclaimer: As in all parenting advice I give, you should always do what you feel most comfortable with when it comes to anything with your child.  Just because someone swears by one method, does not mean that will be the best, only way it will ever work for any child, anywhere.  Take the information and tips given and adapt them if you need to what works best for you, your family and, of course, your child.  I am a strong believer in mommy-sense!

link

 I'll be honest.  This approach by N.H. Azrin and R.M. Foxx in 1971 to potty training was originally developed for "The Institutionalized Retartded." However, since then, parents have been intrigued by the idea of having their littles potty "trained in a day."  The "in a day" aspect is HIGHLY subjective and dependent on the child, the environment and so much more.   

Side note: as a rule of thumb, if any program is promising a major behavior change in just a day or two, it is probably full of you know what.  

Back to Azrin and Foxx.  I will just be pointing out the basic steps to a parent directed approach to potty training.  If you are interested in the full procedure, you can find the book here.

Again, the child needs to be physically and psychologically ready to be potty trained (refer to when to start).   

Their method includes:

• Administering more fluids in an effort to increase the need to go to the bathroom as well as "elimination alarms" alerting when accidents occur

• Scheduled potty visits-depending on the child, it could be every 15 minutes or every hour.  Starting with more frequent visits, then gradually increasing the amount of time between visits once the child has demonstrated they can remain dry.

• Rewarding with food, drinks, praise, hugs and attention when the child uses the bathroom.  Really, whatever is reinforcing for the child.  

{I am not a huge advocate of food as a reward, but if you feel comfortable with that, do what you need!}

• Having the child clean up their own accidents as a natural consequence for not using the toilet.  The idea being that it is easier to use the potty than it is to not use the potty.

They also included some modeling to show the use of the toilet and how to complete the task. 

Again, the lure of having your child trained quickly draws many to this approach.  In my experience, this approach is best when the child's nature needs a little more structure and clear cut "rules."  

This might also be the way for you if you are a person who likes control.  It also requires a bit more dedication during the training time. 

Take what you like, tweak it to you and your child's needs, have a little humor, patience and love.  This is a time when finding the joy in imperfect parenting is a really useful tool!

references:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1310676/pdf/jaba00072-0020.pdf
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3307553/

potty training {part two: child oriented approach}

Disclaimer: As in all parenting advice I give, you should always do what you feel most comfortable with when it comes to anything with your child.  Just because someone swears by one method, does not mean that will be the best, only way it will ever work for any child, anywhere.  Take the information and tips given and adapt them if you need to what works best for you, your family and, of course, your child.  I am a strong believer in mommy-sense!

On to the fun stuff!

link

 Back in 1962, a pediatrician named T. Berry Brazleton developed a potty training method that caught on like wildfire that was perfect for the hippie time period in which it was publicized.   This approach based strong emphasis on "child readiness."  In other words, when the child showed readiness and both he/she and the parent had interest in potty training, the process commenced.   In his study, Brazleton addressed the fact that parents were feeling "pressured" or "unfit" to train their child.  Anxiety that made the whole experience miserable, needless to say stressful, for both parent and child. 

Enough with the boring research stuff that I, sadly, find very interesting.  You are here for the tips!

If you choose to go the child oriented route, here's the breakdown:

• When the child shows physical readiness and desire to go, a floor potty chair is introduced as the "child's chair."

• Routine "potty times" are scheduled
• during these routine visits, the child is taken to sit on the potty chair, fully clothed with the caregiver right there reading them stories or singing songs or whatever, for the first week or so.  The child is in control as to how long he/she wants to sit on the potty.
•  If the child was cool with the fully clothed sitting, they are then invited to sit with diaper off.  No attempt to "catch the stool" (as Brazleton so eloquently phrases it) is made.  Basically, the first couple weeks are used to get the babes comfortable sitting on the pot.

• Once comfortable with the diaper off sitting phase, the dropping-the-diaper-poo-in-the-toilet phase begins.  After going in the diaper, the child is taken to sit on the potty and have the diaper changed, watching the poo go into the pot, thus demonstrating the function of the potty.

• Once interest is peaked on the child's part to use the potty for its designed purpose,  diaper is removed throughout the day(letting the kid run free willy-nilly or in underwear), the potty chair is placed wherever the child is and encouragement, but not pressure, to go on his/her own, begins.  Praise and excitement are given when they "go."

And, wah-lah!  The theory is that the child is in control, thus less pressured to succeed, less fear of failure, more motivation to  use the potty.  He does point out that nap and night time training should not be stressed until daytime dryness has been achieved.  At which point, the potty is just placed in the child's room with scheduled late evening and early morning wakings with encouragement to try to go potty.  He also stresses that if a child becomes frustrated or agitated about "failing" when accidents happen, to reassure them that they are not "bad" and that "Someday he will co-operate when he is 'ready.'"  Please use more informal wording than Dr. Brazleton to encourage your child when accidents happen.

There you have it.  The child-oriented method of potty training as developed by Dr. Brazelton.   Many have had much success with this approach and prefer it to others because it focuses on the child and making sure they feel confident and safe in this new venture.

Again, take what you like/think would work best, adjust to your family, child's personality, environment, etc. and, as always, find the beauty in being an imperfect parent.

references:
http://www.ohsu.edu/xd/health/services/doernbecher/research-education/education/residency/upload/Child-Oriented-Approach-to-Toilet-Training_Brazelton-1962.pdf
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3307553/

potty training {part one: when to start}

Ah, potty training.  A time that every parent looks forward to with excitement, anxiety and confusion.  As a behavior interventionist, I have potty trained my fair share of children of all different ages, levels of development and disabilities.  Over the years, I have researched potty training methods in an attempt to find the best way to accomplish this crucial life skill.  Bottom line, there is no one way that is "THE BEST!"  But, there are aspects of each method that can be used to fit each child, their needs and personalities.  Thus, the Potty Training Series of this blog was born.  A hopefully enlightening attempt to assist the parenting world in the realm of toilets.

This is how the series will go down:

{Part 1} will address the age old question, "When should I start potty training my child?" 

{Parts 2 & 3} will delve into the different methods

{Part 4} is all about my gathered thoughts and experiences on potty training throughout the years

I don't have any experience with Elimination Communication or Infant Training, so those will not be covered.  Maybe one day I will be that ambitious.

Without further ado-doo (please forgive that pun if you found it completely inappropriate, but if you chuckled, don't be ashamed):

{Part 1: When to Start}

People often think potty training is just a natural, physically developmental process that always happens around 2-years of age.   They also think that potty training should happen quickly, without stress. 

Sorry to burst your bubble if you think this way, but this is not how it happens for most families.  Congratulations to those with prodigal children who just sat on a toilet and trained themselves.  Chances are, those people will not be reading this post.

First of all, we need to clear up the fact that potty training is just as much, if not more so, behavioral as physiological.  Think about it for a minute.  We are trying to teach a human being that has, up to this point, defecated free willy, whenever they very well pleased, to now control said defecation until they are sitting, not just any sitting on the floor or on any old chair, but on the appropriate porcelain throne.  That is a HUGE skill to learn. 

For this reason, many studies are showing that it is best to wait until the child is showing signs of readiness rather than having a hard fast rule that we need to train our children at 24 months.

Here are some of the key signs that your child is ready to take this giant leap of independence:

• Little one can walk to the potty and be stable while sitting on the potty (we do not want any Tommy-tippees happening)

• Has the ability to follow 2-step commands (such as, "Go over there and pick up that book.")

• Capable of communicating the need to use the toilet (does not need to be vocal, just able to communicate the need in some manner).

• There is a desire for independence 

• Enjoys doing things that please caregivers

• Recognizes when they have defecated in their diaper 

• Able to pull down pants

Just as each child has developed skills at varying ages up to this point, they will develop that ability to be potty trained at different ages, as well.

I have also found that children will express an interest in the toilet and want to try "Going."   They may not ever actually "go" or even want you take off their diaper, but this is another sign that they may be at a good point to start the potty training process.

It is crucial that we do not push our children to start potty training if they are not ready.  This can have adverse effects such as incontinence and infections.  This is not a race.  If your neighbor's kid was potty trained at 24 months and your darling is just starting at 30 months, that is fine as long as you feel it is the right time for your child.

Some last minute things to remember when starting this journey:

• Girls typically potty train sooner and faster than boys

• Most children in Western civilization have bladder and bowel control by 24-48 months of age

• On average, it takes 3-6 months for a child to become completely independent in toileting

• Patience and consistency are key

That wraps up part 1 of the Potty Training Series!  I know you are all on the edges of your seats waiting for the next installment.  I promise it will come soon.  Until then, find the beauty in being an imperfect parent!


References:
Pediatrics and Child Health
Among healthy children, what toilet-training strategy is most effective and prevents fewer adverse events (stool withholding and dysfunctional voiding)?, Mia E Lang
When and How to Train, Darcie A. Kiddoo