It is no big secret that the age of 2 is tough (although, not as tough as age 4, in my opinion, but that is for another day). Parents throughout time have consistently gotten the sympathetic head tilt accompanying a sighed, "Ah...the terrible twos," once the parent has disclosed their tantrumming child's age. Here are some tips for surviving the earth rattling age.
First, understanding what is going on, developmentally, with a 2-year-old often helps parents better cope on days when they are on the verge of pulling the last hair on their heads out. Most children this age have just figured out that language is the key to success. They have discovered the magic of asking for something and getting smiles, cheers and the item. However, they are also having to learn that just because they asked for it, does not mean they will always get that item. This is tough for their little egocentric minds to comprehend. To them, they are the world. Not because anything is wrong with them, but for the fact that they have not yet developed that deeper skill of understanding they are not the sole reason their parents, or every other human for that fact, live and breathe.
Two-year-olds have also just mastered the ever so exhilarating skill of mobility. Walking, running, jumping, using the stairs, climbing...all very exciting for an organism who, just a little over a year ago, could barely get from point A to point B before completely exhausting every ounce of energy they had. As with the language, it is tough for them to understand why they cannot use this amazing skill whenever, wherever they very well please. In their minds, when we, as caregivers, prevent them from running in the street or jumping off the 6-foot tall table, we are keeping them from their potential.
With those two main points in mind, is it any wonder that these little balls of unbridled energy have so many tantrums?! The poor things are in a world of excitement with a the very basic understanding of why they should not do something or why they cannot have what they want at the very moment they want it. Not to mention, they are just barely learning how to regulate their emotions. Basically, take a woman who has just had a baby, add a truckload of estrogen, and she will be able to experience similar emotions to a 2-year-old. It's tough.
That said, parents: don't let these little love bombs walk all over you. You need to help them learn how to regulate those emotions, learn delayed gratification and develop the skill of recognizing they are not the center of the universe.
Tips for helping you and your child survive the joy of being two:
- Make time for one-on-one time. Sometimes, the outbursts are cries for attention; quality attention. Meaning, take a step back and just cuddle on the couch with some books or go for a walk; no TV, no phones. Just time with you.
- Recognize them for being good more than for being naughty. Easier said than done, I know. Well, at least in the beginning. Make a conscious effort to give them lots of attention, love, praise, excitement when they are listening, or took "no" calmly or touched the baby gently. The more attention they get for being good, the more likely they are to do those behaviors over the ones we are not that crazy about.
- Use visual schedules for transitions they are struggling with. If your little one is using every trick under the sun to get out of bed "One last time" at bedtime, or getting ready to leave the house takes longer than dripping molasses, a schedule just may be your new best friend. Have the steps with pictures to completing that transition then let them cross each step off as they complete it. Sometimes, letting them feel that independence and knowing what is expected next with a reminder other than the rising annoyance in mom or dad's repeated directions, is just what their little brains need to make those transitions a little smoother.
An example:
- Give choices! The trick with choices is that you are basically giving them a choice between option A or option A with a twist. For example, "You can choose to pick up your toys or I can help your hands pick up your toys." Or, "You can come here or I can help you come by picking you up." Chances are, they will choose the less intrusive choice since they are relishing their independence and all. Basically, by giving choices, you are giving them a sense of control while still getting them to do what you need them to do. Do not forget the praise for making a good choice! One thing on choices, make sure your second choice is something you are willing to follow through with. Otherwise, it is pointless.
- Say "Yes." Take a moment and imagine a day where every 10 minutes you were being told you cannot do something or to stop doing something you find really intriguing. Frustrating, right?! Toddlers are no different. It gets old hearing "No" or "Don't do that," over and over, all day long, just as it gets old for us to have to say it over and over, all day long. Visit places where they can just explore and do whatever or create a space in your home where they can go nuts. Going along with this, it helps TREMENDOUSLY if instead of just telling them "No" or "Stop," you let them know what they CAN do. Maybe it's not kosher to pull sister's hair, but they can brush her hair or rub her back or tickle her. Perhaps dumping their water on the floor is not appropriate for inside, but they can take their water outside and dump it as many times as they like. Decrease the negatives and increase the power of yes!
- Take a break. It is okay to feel burnt out, at wits end, just plain over it. As those spy movies always say, "Everyone has a breaking point." So that you do not get to yours, make sure you give yourself time away. You are not a bad parent if you need a break. If anything, you are an amazing parent for recognizing you need a break and preventing the explosion of yelling that often comes when a parent just cannot take it anymore.
Relish the beauty of this age. It can be tough to see the joy amidst the tornado of emotions your 2-year-old is emitting. Helping them identify those emotions can also help develop those self-regulation skills. I promise that if you take a step back and notice the wonderful developments your child is making and allowing yourself to be amazed at how much they can do and are learning, it will make everything worth it. Soak up the good, breathe out the frustration, ask for help when you need it. Enjoy the beauty of imperfect parenting.
